Did we arrive straight at the first gig of the tour after 2 flights, 2
long bus rides, and an hour and a half drive in a red VW hatchback?
Yes.
Was the first gig of the tour at the only nuclear power plant in all
of the former yugoslavian republics? Yes.
Do I have a third leg after playing there? Yes, but some say I already had one.
For the 1st 3 nights of the tour did we stay at igor's (the
bandleader) parents' house in a picturesque small town in the
slovenian countryside? Yes.
Is his mother a master at cooking various eastern European delicacies,
including healthy and vegetarian options? Yes.
Are his parents wonderful people? Definitely.
Do they speak any English? No.
Did his father attempt to speak to me in slovenian for a few minutes
at the start of every meal? Yes.
Do I know 3 words in slovenian? No
Do I know one? Yes, dobro. It means super.
Am I staying in igor's sisters room? Yes.
Is igors sister staying there as well? No, she is in grad school in
the capital city of ljubljana, studying macrobiology and pharmacy.
In order to get to her room, must one walk through the unfurnished 3rd
floor, replete with piles of roughly cut wood, patchy carpeting and no
less than four whole smoked pork legs hanging from the ceiling?
Yes.
Do I have photos to prove it? Indeed.
Did we go work out at a fitness center in Igor's hometown? Yes.
Could the few cardio machines they had be used as ironic decorative
furniture at an American apparel store? yes.
Was there a bathroom in the fitness center? Yes.
Was it necessary to walk through a storage closet to get to said bathroom? Yes.
Were there multiple, fully decorated Christmas trees stored in the
bathroom? Yes.
Are there pictures of me attempting to shower amidst this yuletide
shrubbery? Yes (truth be told I was wearing pants but you can't see
that in the photos)
So, did that trip from France to Croatia actually take 13 hours? No.
Wow really? Yes, it took 16.
Where exactly did you drive to and from? From the border of France and
Germany to the border of Croatia and Hungary.
Was the bus driver a machine? Yes.
Did he smoke a whole pack of cigarettes while driving? Probably more.
Did, upon entering a rest stop at 4am, I wretch and almost vomit on
myself upon smelling the vile odor of day-old marzipan and vegetable
oil receptacles the Germans call pastries? Yes.
Did, in the middle of the drive, Igor stop the van unannounced and go
for a 20 minute visit with his girlfriend's grandmother in zagreb,
Croatia? Yes.
Did we wait in the parking lot of a nearby gas station while this
meeting happened? Yes.
Did we perform 2 nights ago in Linz Austria, on the border of Hungary? Yes.
Was I tired as balls because I had slept for 9 hours in the past 3 and
half days? Yes
Was there a strange pesudo-bowling alley in the basement of our hotel,
where I had a drink with some austrian nationalists, but diffused the
situation by talking about how I once saw Natalie Portman on the
street in New York ?( which is a lie because I saw her at the Tel Aviv
Airport but I didnt want to bring up israel) Yes.
After arriving back in slovenia after a 7-hour train ride, did
previously referenced red VW hatchback cease to run, and being
spitting thick smoke out of the tailpipe? Yes.
Did we get a ride to our gig last night from a guitar player named
Blue who wears shiny velcro shoes? yes.
Am I using the internet for the first time in 3 days? No, the 1st time
in a week. I have been writing you from my blackberry.
